Facing The Pain Read online

The next seventy-two hours flew by. The thing that didn’t happen in that three-day span was Jake and I taking that next step and finally being intimate. Jake promised my dad I would be a virgin until I graduated, and Jake was a man of his word. Jake promised to wait until I graduated high school, but Jake went a step further. We were both virgins, so he wanted our first time to be our wedding night. I argued my point, but Jake stood his ground and I couldn’t argue anymore. I mean, my man was trying to save all the rest of our firsts until we were husband and wife. That was sweet, but Jake had better resolve than I did.

  The day came for Jake to leave and I promised I wouldn’t cry until Jake was gone. I knew it was hard on him too. He told me last night this would only be a short separation, and he gave me his favorite sweats to sleep in while he was away. I never knew how much I would need their comfort until right now. He was leaving everyone behind though and going to the unknown. I stuck to my guns, and I kissed Jake goodbye with whispered promises on both our sides. I held it together until I was home and then the tears came, and they kept coming.

  I wrote Jake every day when I finally got his address. I also put together a good-sized box of goodies every other week. Jake didn’t have much time to write and that was alright. I waited for the bi-weekly phone calls and sometimes when they didn’t come, I felt empty, but I still wore those sweats to feel closer to him. I kept myself busy with my extra classes at the college. I started my junior year with extra credits so I should graduate by Christmas next year. I took that early out.

  Days turned into weeks and we went to both of Jake’s graduations. Each time, it was hard to keep my hands off Jake and it seemed he was having the same problem. We only had the weekend each time, so we contained our passion. To be honest, we didn’t have sex, but we did a lot of exploring.

  The day we left; it was sad. I knew this next separation would be longer, but Jake would have a few more freedoms. Jake had decided to go to Ranger school when he was approached with the possibility. It scared me silly, but I knew it was his decision.

  We left, and I had never prayed so hard in my life. I wanted Jake safe. We hadn’t been home three or four weeks when we got the news that a chopper that Jake had been in went down during a training exercise. I prayed and prayed Jake was alright. It was the longest and shortest two days of my life as I clung to Ms. May.

  When the tragic news was finally given that Jake was killed, I shut myself down. I couldn’t feel the pain where my heart once was. I couldn’t cry, eat, respond to people, or shower and those favorite sweats are all I wore. I think the doctor was called but I don’t know if that was real or not. I know it seemed like I slept forever and stayed in my bed.

  One morning, the door to my room was kicked open and there stood my dad and Ms. May. “I’ve let you have your time to come to grips with losing Jake. I know it will take time, but we are laying that young man to ground today and you will be front and center or you will regret it every day for the rest of your life. I know you are grieving. We all are, but today you stand when Jake can’t. You are his woman and you will go and make him proud. I didn’t raise a coward!” I looked at my dad. He had never talked this way to me but he was right. I hadn’t faced my grief. I had to be strong for Jake.

  “I came to help. I couldn’t take that quiet house any longer.” I looked at Ms. May and I knew I had let Jake down. I got out of bed and I caught a whiff of myself and I knew it was shower time. I hesitated to go to Ms. May.

  “I’m sorry, I need a shower,” I told the two people standing in front of me.

  “Come here, girl. I love you even if you stink to high heaven.” Ms. May laughed and took me in for a hug and then she stood back and I looked at my dad.

  “Not until you get a shower and ready for the memorial. My stomach isn’t as strong as Ms. May’s. Either put those clothes in the wash or burn them.” We all laughed even if they were small and fake.

  I got my shower and dressed in a black dress. I left my face clean. I knew if I wore makeup that it’d be smeared by tears. The service was bearable until the end.

  Ms. and Mr. Edmondson were sitting in the front row with Ms. May beside them. I sat on the other side of Ms. May and then Dad was to my right. I ignored the way the Edmondson’s sneered at me. They were the least of my worries that day.

  It all came to a head when the soldier in charge handed me the flag from Jake’s coffin. My dad helped me bring the flag to my body. I was shocked the flag was handed to me. My dad moved my arms with his hands. I couldn’t move and it was hard to breathe. Ms. Edmondson said she wasn’t having it, but I knew she wouldn’t come any closer to me because my dad was there. I clung to that flag for a few minutes and then I went straight to Ms. May and handed her the flag. I didn’t want to, but I knew that flag would bring Ms. May comfort. I knew it would only bring me hurt and more tears. I knew why Jake put me as his next of kin. Ms. May smiled at me as I handed her the flag and then gave me a hug.

  “This is with the agreement that it stays with you,” I whispered in her ear.

  “I will make sure you get it back when I pass. I love you, sweet Charlie,” Ms. May promised me.

  When the guns went off in salute to Jake, my dad had to carry me away. The tears fell from my eyes and I couldn’t contain myself.

  I didn’t know that was the beginning of a bad spiral.

  Chapter Five

  CHARLIE

  Trying To Live

  I woke the next day with the afternoon sun shining through my bedroom window. I spent most of my night crying and the other half planning out my next moves.

  I knew I was going to have a fight on my hands with Jake’s parents. He left me all his worldly possessions, his estate, and his insurance money. It’s not that either of his parents needed the money, it was the principle of it, or to them it was. I was going to give it all to them but my dad had a talk with me and made me see that Jake was trying to provide for me, and it was his last wish. I agreed reluctantly. I put Jake’s truck in the garage and gave the keys to Dad so he could keep up with maintenance. Maybe one day I could drive it, but that day was not then. I stored Jake’s things in our attic until I could go through them, except his phone. His phone I kept with me. The money he left me, I put away in the bank.

  I also planned my future that night. I knew I would be in school a few months and then I was entering the Army. Jake started on his dream and I was going to finish it—for him, for me, and for my sanity. It’s the goal I put in front of me and I would achieve it. Failure was not an option.

  I got in the shower and then got dressed for the day, even if it was half over. I went downstairs and started putting dinner together. It had been a while since we had a complete meal. I made chicken fried steaks, mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables, and rolls. That was good enough. I heard the bikes in the front yard. Dad was the first one in the house.

  “Something smells delicious,” Dad remarked.

  “It sure does,” Tobie agreed.

  “I want two of everything,” Yance said.

  “What these idiots are trying to say is we’re glad that you made it out of your room today.” Rance tried to act like Quinton. I get it, they were worried about me.

  “I have made some decisions and I want to let all of you know at one time,” I get out as I heard two more bikes enter the yard. I know one was Quinton but the other one I couldn’t seem to place.

  “That’s Quinton and Duke that just drove up outside. We’ll get washed up. It’s alright to talk in front of Duke, he’s family. He just transferred from his dad’s club. He’s going to finish up his prospecting with us.” I shook my head in agreement with Dad. I remembered the name Duke from cookouts from the past. I just didn’t remember him or his family. We had a huge family, especially if more than one chapter was gathered.

  I waited until everyone had their plates and were seated. I made everyone a glass of iced sweet tea. The introduction was made of Duke to me and me to Duke. He held my hand a little too long, and I grabbed i
t back. For some reason, Duke’s name sounded familiar. Dad had spoken of him before or about his family anyway. Dad’s eyebrow went up to Duke.

  I took my seat. I waited until everyone had their plates fixed. “This food is damn good. Not only sexy but a great cook. What other hidden talents do you have, Charlie?” Dad looked straight at Duke, but I had heard enough.

  “Duke, I think the women you’re used to hanging around might fall for all the attention you give to them, but I buried my fiancé that I happened to be very much in love with yesterday. What I’m saying is that you’re wasting whatever charm you are trying to lay on me.” Duke turned his head to the side and smiled at me.

  “Challenge accepted. A woman with loyalty, I like it. I’ll give you time, but one day you will be mine.” I looked at Dad.

  “Duke, sit your ass down and shut up. Charlie is in no mood to hear your bullshit. Charlie is off-limits to any brother, and that goes double for prospects. Are you hearing me, Duke?” Dad used his president’s voice.

  “Yes, sir, but one day Charlie will be mine. I’m just letting my intentions be known.” I just shook my head.

  “Why aren’t you eating, Charlie?” I looked at Quinton.

  “I’m just not hungry right now. Maybe later,” I answered. I knew they were worried about me. “I’m too excited about what I have to tell all of you.” Quinton nodded his head at me letting me know he heard me, but he doesn’t believe a word I said. I gave him a reassuring smile. Everyone was eating, so I decided it was time. “The decisions I made last night were about that piece of land that connects with this land. If you don’t mind, Dad, will you oversee it for me? I’m keeping the twenty acres that Jake and I were buying, but I am going to be away for a while, and I need someone to watch and take care of it for me. I also want to keep Jake’s truck here.” Dad looked at me like I had grown an extra head.

  “What do you mean you’re going to be gone a while? Where do you think you’re going?” I waited a few minutes, and I saw everyone at the table didn’t like this idea any more than Dad did. I took a deep breath.

  “I’ve decided I’m going to go into the Army to honor Jake. He went in the Army because he thought he could provide us with a better life, and I am doing the same thing to honor Jake’s memory. I’ll finish what Jake started. It’s what I need to do and I’m not changing my mind. Dad, you can make me wait until I’m eighteen or you can respect my wishes and sign the papers for me to go in at the age of seventeen after I graduate. Please, think about it for me.” I knew this would be a hard decision for Dad.

  “I have four strapping sons and not a one was interested in the military. I held my breath every time one of them approached the age of eighteen. I knew I would be proud of any of them that took that road, but as a dad, my heart would clench. Now, my daughter wants to go and join, and I am proud of you for that decision, but I need to say, imagining you getting shot at is my worst nightmare. The thought of it makes me want to puke.” Dad had tears in his eyes, and I wanted to take them away. He stiffened his back and sat up straight. “Charlie, if this is what you need to do, I won’t stand in your way, but you better come home to me safe.”

  I got up from my chair and walked to Dad. I sat in his lap and held him tight. “I’ll come home, Dad, and then I’ll be whole again.” I hoped I was telling the truth.

  “No, you can’t let her go. It’s crazy, and she isn’t thinking straight right now. My baby sister is not putting herself in danger!” Tobie yelled. I got up and walked to Tobie. He stood up and squeezed me to him. He kissed the top of my head.

  “You know I can take care of myself. I promise to do that, and I will come home to you all. I won’t leave with my family mad at me and without your support, but I won’t ever be the same if I stay here,” I whispered to Tobie.

  “I want to argue with you on this, Charlie. The thought of someone firing a gun at you and one of us not being able to rescue you is one of my worst nightmares. I’m holding you to what you said, Sister. If this is something you are driven to do, I can’t argue with that. If you don’t do it, then you won’t be the same sister I have loved every day of your life. I think you may need this to heal. You better be back here to be the lovable pain in my ass, or I will make you regret it,” Tobie whispered back. I saw the fear in his eyes, and I hated it. My family feared nothing or no one. I wouldn’t make him regret his trust in me.

  “I’ll still be waiting on you, beautiful, even if you do become a badass.” That made us all laugh. I couldn’t let that slip by me though.

  “You do that, Duke, and hold your breath while you’re doing it.” I laughed. I looked at Rance and he winked at me. Quinton was the one I worried about. We were tight. Quinton stood and raised his tea glass.

  “To Charlie, the little sister with balls of brass. We salute you. We’re all proud of you. Keep your head and ass down. Make us proud and be safe. We love you, darlin’.” I was pleasantly surprised.

  “Here, here,” Yance yelled.

  “Thank you all. I couldn’t do this without all of your support.” I was crying, and I didn’t know why. I thought I was cried out. I got myself together and sat back down in my chair. “I talked to Ms. May yesterday and tried to talk her into taking half of Jake’s insurance money and his inheritance his grandfather set up. She says she won’t accept it. That it was for me to start a new life and she wanted to make sure I did. It will take a while to get it, but I want it to go into a savings account with your name on it, Dad, and mine. I don’t know how much it will be but if you need it while I’m away, then use it. Whatever is mine is yours or if any of my brothers need it. I am going to have my pay go into the same account.”

  “It’ll be there when you get back, Charlie,” Dad assured me. We were all family except Duke and all anyone of them would have to do was ask, and I would give them what they needed. That was the last day that we talked about my enlisting. I finished high school, and I had the military-age waver ready when I graduated. I wouldn’t let anyone give me a going away party or to be there when I left except my dad and brothers. That was hard enough. I got on the plane at four in the morning—I don’t know why so early—and I started another chapter in my life. It seemed like I was always saying goodbye.

  Chapter Six

  CHARLIE

  Military Life

  What can I say, it was no picnic. I learned a lot of new tactics to use in hand-to-hand combat, and I learned to use a rifle more proficiently. I also found out there was more to throwing a hand grenade than they showed in the movies, especially for women. I also learned that I needed to sleep when I could and there was such a thing as a power nap. I learned to spit shine boots, keep my brass clean, make a bed to bounce a quarter from, and how to press a uniform so it looked sharp. The things I brought with me that helped were determination and persistence. I knew how to multi-task, and I knew how to follow directions. The last one kept me out of trouble.

  I took basic on like it was the biggest challenge of my life, and to that date it was. I succeeded. Dad and my brothers came for my graduation. I hated to see them leave, but I had more training to do. I found I learned foreign languages easily. My training was as a translator/interpreter in the languages that I mastered. I had taken Spanish in high school and I was able to master Arabic, Hebrew, Kurdish, Persian, Turkish, German, Korean and Chinese while enlisted. It’s like my brain had a knack for remembering the different dialects and languages. I was now working on Russian and Japanese, but they were still a work in progress. My 09L MOS could be valuable when I went back to civilian life. The army tested me for this position, and I met all qualifications. I took the classes I needed and was certified. I also took a medic class. I was field trained and certified.

  For the next three years I was a field translator for a lot of different units. There was a downsize of the troop numbers in the sandbox and since my job was in high demand, I was sent to other units nearby. I had plenty of acquaintances but no close friends since I moved around so much. I didn�
�t go home for leave after the first year. It was too hard on everyone concerned when I had to leave again. I donated my leave for bereavement emergency leaves for soldiers. I wasn’t going to use the days so someone else may as well use them.

  During my time, I had seen my share of gunfire, but I always came out on the safe side. There were some that were injured and some that would never make it home again.

  The day my military career came to an end started out the same. Nothing different, just another area to sweep and people to talk to. The day ended when our Humvee was attacked. I heard a bomb before I could react. My world faded to black.

  I woke up. I didn’t know how many days later, but I did know I was in a hospital in Germany and my dad and Quinton were sitting on each side of me. The only thought going through my head was I’m glad I woke up. These two strong bikers looked out of place.

  My dad was the first to realize my eyes were open and then a nurse walked in. My dad couldn’t understand her because she was speaking German. I answered the nurse. German was one of the first languages I learned in my training. My dad and brother both looked at me like I was crazy and a gift from God at the same time.

  “It’s alright. She asked if I was thirsty and then said she was getting the doctor and something for me to drink.” I half laughed but that hurt. “How are the others? There were four of us—Snide, Peters, Long and me.” I looked at Quinton and he had a sadness in his eyes. I looked at Dad.

  “What do you remember?” Dad asked.

  “We were attacked by rebels and then there was an explosion. After that, things went black. There were four others behind us in another Humvee.” I couldn’t find any more memories from that day. Was it that day? Just how much time had passed?

  “You’ve been here five days and we’ve been here for three. Long had a leg amputated. Peters has had two surgeries attempting to remove all the shrapnel. They’re giving him a little time to regain some strength. He’s got one piece next to his spine and they’re waiting for the surgeon to arrive to get it out. Snide took the brunt of the shrapnel from the explosion. The Humvee had a pipe bomb underneath the driver’s seat, and it was detonated when you were attacked by the rebels. It was a setup. Snide was the driver and Peters was sitting behind him. Long’s legs were removed because they were burned so badly. You have a severe concussion and a dislocated shoulder. You were shot twice, and they had to take a metal sliver out of the back of your head. Another few inches and you would be dead. It’s time for you to come home, Charlie,” my dad told me. I only had a few weeks left, and I knew by the time all this healed, it would be time.